BEVERLEY HILLS – Hollywood fixer Ray Donovan was shot and killed this morning after Jack Nicholson mistook him for a burglar.
Donovan, who was under investigation by the FBI at the time of his death, had managed to enter Nicholson's house and, according to police sources, was planning to plant a large quantity of cocaine on the premises in an attempt to frame the ageing star.
Frankly we're a little puzzled by the situation said Chief Investigator Mike Lee.
It looks like Donovan was trying to plant drugs in Mr Nicholson's house which is kind of stupid. That's like planting bibles in a church. Everybody knows that Mr Nicholson has dabbled a few times in his life but what are you going to do, arrest Jack Nicholson for possession of coke? If you're going to take that line you'd have to arrest Sharon Stone for having tits.
It is rumoured, but has not been confirmed that Donovan had been hired by Morgan Freeman who has had a vendetta against Nicholson ever since they made The Bucket List together. Asked by a reporter if he was involved, Morgan had this to say.
I'm good friends with Jack and I wish him no harm. He might have slept with my wife but I forgive him. I think it's important to be mature about these things. I mean sure I have fantasies about him being in prison and getting nightly conjugal visits from an over eager cell mate, but that doesn't mean I actually want it to happen. I don't pray for it on a hourly basis or anything it just occasionally crosses my mind a few times a day.
After being questioned by police for several hours Nicholson was released without charge and seemed to be in a reflective mood as he left the station.
'I guess old Raymondo thought Jacky wasn't home,' said Nicholson as he lit a cigarette.
I warned him. I warn them all but nobody listens to the Irishman any more. Anyway fellas thanks for coming out to see me but I'm late for an appointment to get my crotch shampooed.
One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest 2: McMurphy Strikes Back is due for release in 2014